When Manifesting saves your life ..
…I was a seriously poor kayak racer age 17 and living in an inner city west London estate ..
I had been using a £100 pound old boat to race and train. I had to bail it out after each training session or racing run. No amount of black nasty ‘gafa tape’ was sorting that.
Some how I landed £1000 for a boat! It just happened!!! A trust fund had received a request from someone and sent me money!
I had just been saying to myself for months ‘I need a boat that doesn’t leak that I don’t have to patch with duck tape’.
I truly couldn’t have truly known why!
Money for me to get what I needed arrived out if what felt like no where!
I have a habit of naming things and although it wasn’t a yacht.. I felt my very own brand new boat needed a name …
I was going up a division bigger water bigger challenges …I needed a boat with a name that would carry me in thumping powerful conditions. That would put me closer to my church and connect me was what made me feel alive.
My chariot my racing companion was named Gabriel.
The first outing I ended up going to the rescue of someone on a Thames weir in high flood …
The water was pounding pumping with all the violent force you would expect..
I had gone there deliberately to train a stupid and reckless thing to choose to do.
Confidence of youth I suppose.
It had been phenomenal..
Even now the thought of the force, power and danger excites me..
I can feel all the fibres in my body heightening, a vibrational energy that makes the world seem sharper, colours brighter and experiences richer.
The surges of adrenaline that connect you to every breath, heart beat and moment…
Transferring power and energy like that through your body feels like you’re ridding lightning.
On a day like that you don’t come out of your boat, you just don’t. It happened
One of the paddlers lost it, hit by a wave. I paddled to him, scooped him up and headed for the bank.. Standard stuff…
But that day thousands of pounds of cubic force was pumping and thundering around us.
He wouldn’t let go of his boat.. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to tow him plus his water logged boat in those insane conditions. I was shouting “you have to let go of the boat”.
He was refusing eyes wide at me ..
I was in a battle against the monstrous current everything happening a million times faster … I knew there was risk down stream…. I had time…. I didn’t have time…
I was pinned up against a wooden pontoon my head inline with the top..
We had been moving so fast….much faster than usual, normally it would take ages to get to them.
We were in Red Hot DANGER zone.
Getting swept under would be a likely drowning in these conditions.
Some of the lads ran from the bank leapt across and dragged Dave out.
He stood on my deck as he was pulled out to saftey.. I heard the crunch it was my boat.
Instinctively I looked to my upstream edge. A near fatal mistake. A spilt second that nearly cost me big.
I looked to see where the damage was and flipped into the water my boat was being buffereted and bashed against the wooden posts with me still in it upside down.
I was about to be swept under an object in flood conditions no air, dark and no possibility of escape I had hundredths of a second to get this right..
This was a moment where one single action would mean life or death.
Choose wrong I drown.
My boat holding on ..not bending and folding … Gabriel was holding I could hear the cracking and banging of the carbon against the pontoon,a miracle he hadn’t broken under the force pressing around us.
To this day I don’t know how I broke the seal so quick.
I was known for rolling I never swam so my deck was tight .. I didn’t want it to pop in a race ..
It was normally a fight to get it off.
My hand located the handle effortlessly in the dark frothy water. It exploded open the force so strong it had felt like I had help.
The surface blocked I knew a had mere seconds ..I had to reach for the edge and fast I could feel the drag the force pushing against me.
My hand reaching up and grabbing the edge.
My boat disappeared under the pontoon ripping past my body as it proceeded to get smashed around and pinned in the dark gloomy black water.
That could have been me.
Charlie had hold the second my hand appeared ..I felt the safe warm grip both hands wrapped around mine.
Make it .. I heard …not today..
I pushed my other hand forward
Charlie pulled I broke the surface
Free of the wooden obstruction.
Charlie helped me climb to safety ..
I could hear the thumping of my boat underneath. My heart jumping with every crack and thud… it could have been me.
I fished Gabriel out.
Just one puncher hole..
Easily fixed I thought.
Had I of been in my old boat the force would have broken it.
I would have been trapped ..
I knew this with every fibre in my body..
This boat had given me time.
It had saved my life.
I would have never reached Charlie’s hand had I of been in the other one.
We never know how things are going to work out don’t give up on the day dream, you never know where that angel is going to show up.
When was the last time, you took time for you?
I had to make a hard decision back in November. One where I was facing huge conflict. Talk at an event or prioritise my self and my needs.
I had said I would speak. As time ticked on. I knew deeply that it was the wrong thing to do. I have always delivered on my word. It came as a big surprise to see my internal compass forcibly drive me in another direction.
On this occasion I could sense I wouldn’t be in a position to talk with any of the flare, abandon and courage I could normally muster. The message I have is important. Any chance to share it. I grab with both hands.
The internal conflict I was facing was absolutely massive. My gut instinct was practically shouting from the roof tops, this was a time to stop, reflect and evaluate.
Now that the time has come and gone I can breathe a big sigh of relief.
I choose sanctuary, I choose silence. I choose complete and utter indulgence. A beautiful town house, nourishing food. Amazing friends who understood my need to be quite or reflective. Or just to stay in cozy clothes. Even to throw ideas around into the early hours. Laugh or cry. No judgement. It was complete and utter heaven. I chose right.
Every fibre in my body knew it.
That weekend will go down in history as one of the most important choices I made. I never choose for myself. Never. A total habit and patten change that in time I know will deliver for so many others. Finally my head is unlocked after weeks.
Over December I rode an adrenaline rollercoaster day in day out. In a bid to be there for others. I threw caution to the wind and decided I would drink from the goblet of fire. Every night I faced down my own fears so I could support others.
The out pouring of energy was huge. On every single level it was so worth it. I would do it in a heartbeat again should the need arise. This year I felt it was so unbelievably important to be there.
The collective experience in the country over the last 12 months has been one of uncertainty, hardship and trauma. The mood although optimistic. The added pressure of Christmas was stirring the emotional barrel.
I sensed creating The Long Night Show. A place of connection, laughter and support. Was something I had to do.
Truth be told I was fried by the 1st of January. My creative flare stunted by emotional exhaustion. I was absolutely cooked not in a spicy that will sting way.
But in a I’ve walked through tunnels of fire and now I need to stop and learn from all the extraordinary experiences I’ve had day after day.
A gift that in turn is cultivating growth and understanding in me. I could not have done that any other way.
I don’t regret it for a second. I would do it in a heartbeat over and over again.
The message here the one I so often fail to see myself. Taking time to breathe to reconnect with everything that slows you down in the world. It’s not just important it’s a necessity.
I truly will not reach my full capability and potential if I do not prioritise my emotional and physical need to recuperate. As I get older and take on more responsibility for others in my orbit. I recognise I must pay lip service to down time. Or absolutely no one wins.
Interestingly my overall capacity to put out huge amounts of energy, love, positivity, hope and laughter. Has expanded exponentially since. Really focusing on daily gratitude. Opting for kindness and actively making and taking time for me has made a monumental difference to my approach to life and all its adventures.
It certainly isn’t always easy so many labels to stand into … Mumma, Wife, Mentor, Business owner.
The reality is they are just that labels. I am Amanda Wanowski. A girl who believes you can be the difference in the world just by showing someone kindness, by being open and responsive.
That hope can come from connection to other humans through laughter, love and positivity by celebrating our differences. And observing just how wonderful and miraculous humans are.
I see everyday that we have boundless levels of resilience and grit. That even through the most hellish of experiences love, compassion and empathy can conquer all.
And like me everyone can bounce back if they are showered in love. The potential you have to change your life is unlimited but it starts with the simplest of beliefs in yourself.
Believing you are important enough to be put first even for one day is a huge step in the right direction.
I had the words service before self literally drilled into me for years.
Now I serve myself so others can thrive.
And you know what ….. It seems to be working.
My time is mine and I use it how I please. I have food, and a roof over my head. My health is good. My family is with me. They are showered in love and their health is good.
Days like today I want to just curl up and cry, I have no tears left. The unfairness of it all. Takes my breath away. The frustration and whys flowing think and fast.
I think about a friend taken by a condition in her prime. Today life makes no sense.
Today I recognise what it is to be alive. That pain is a clear marker that I am very much here.
My eyes are set on the horizon. I must embrace every moment I have. Time is the most expensive commodity I have. I can never buy it back once it is gone.
Today I am reminded that I must with all my heart live a whole life. I must pack as much love, hope, positivity, inspiration and connection into it as I can.
I must embrace being alive and choose the path that connects me to feeling that way everyday.
Somedays carry pain I don’t want to bair. The truth of it is because I have allowed myself to love and when we loose it hurts.
But it’s worth it… Every tear, every heart stopping moment it’s worth it.
The warrior in you will not stand down. Every day you rise, rise into another apocalyptic day. Your heart aches each beat more painful than the last.
Your body heavy with the invisible load crushing you from the shoulders down. Your body crumpling under the burden. Standing up takes every drop of strength you can muster.
You move slow under the weight of it all. I see all you are doing dear friend. I see how each day you sacrifice your body to hold everyone together. I see how your mind never rests. How its easier for it to be empty.
Where there once was magic now only the nothing. The load is a little lighter with the nothing. Its Always there in the room , consuming, devouring you.
And yet you fight. The warrior in you will not rest. One foot in front of the other moving your self to the next sunset. A voice in side of you its getting quieter …
You can still hear it “Keep going’. Its all but a whisper. “We will get through this”. You reach for the coat tails of life. Clawing on to any small victory.
You have a heroes heart …Its beating hard for you . You are precious you matter.
You get up..
You make those beds.
You get dressed.
You keep everyone moving.
You hunt out those little victories as they add up, you see success in your day.
You can get everyone through this.
You are the life guard you are the guardian the protector the nurturer, the unstoppable wave of hope… Yes you.. Nothing is going to stop you. You find the little victories.
The darkness is so close…find the little victories each has light in them. I promise. The tiniest bit of light. The more you collect the more light you can carry….Push that darkness away…fight that Spector…It doesn’t get to take anymore from you.
You are a warrior.
You have enough light in you to hang on. Root your self to those little victories ….
ROOT YOURSELF TO THIS LIFE.
Those little victories will carry your tired soul to the sunset and drive you into the next day and the next.
Stand strong my beautiful friend you have got this.
Change is coming, find the little victories.
You are a warrior.
Make a charge for the light.
Hold on x
The Boat and the Breeze
The night closed in. Heavy dark clouds cloaking the stars. A little boat was trying to cross a choppy sea. Being buffeted from left and right. Its tiny wooded heart beating so fast she thought it would splinter.
The little boat was so afraid and all alone.
The little boat couldn’t find her heading, tiered and confused.
The force of the ocean pounding down on her deck, she thought she would break.
Her compass was spinning …She didn’t know which way was up down right or left. The little boat lost at sea. She tried to raise her sails. Each time losing faith in her self as they became less and less effective.
The little boat was bailing out water every minute.
How long could she keep it up. How long could she stay afloat.
The little boat panicking the heading wasn’t clear …
The little boat knew her tiny wooden heart had a big part in her direction. If only she could align it with her compass.
She felt so alone, her tiny hull shivering against the cold water.
Rudderless out at sea with no true direction.
The little boat would not last long. She knew it.
The little boat toiled away under the dark night sky. Yawing from side to side fighting for every meter she gained.
The little boat thought how can a tiny boat cross an ocean.
I need direction, I’m losing hope. I don’t understand how I fit in this overwhelming sea.
The little boats heart was splintering ….No she pleaded with herself, don’t I will have a hole. I will sink!
The little boat was about to take her sails down when she felt it. A gentle breeze began to lift her. She felt it all around her.
The breeze spoke “the universe has you.”
“Trust the momentum, embrace the challenges look how far you have come.”
The little boat felt the breeze it was warm against the dark night. It felt safe but still the little boat resisted.
The little boat spoke as she pulled her sails in tight. “What if I go the wrong way?’
The gentle breeze shifted again. It whispered to the little boat “let your compass settle, let go. Your course will appear.”
The little boat thought for a moment and with all the momentum she could muster let out her beautiful sail. It was as bright as the moon now glistening in the clear night sky.
I have the wind in my sails the little boat thought.
The little boat spoke to the breeze. “I am scared, these big waves keep coming.” The little boat didn’t like to admit she felt scared.
The breeze could feel the little boat was unsure ‘I will keep you true, I will right you in a storm. I will fill your sails. I will help you cross the ocean.
The little boat was no longer fighting the waves. The little boat was making headway as the breeze danced around her.
The little boat began to notice the stars, the moon, its beautiful she said to the breeze.
The breeze asked have you noticed you reflection at last? ….
the little boat staled, “how”?
“The beauty you see in the world is a mirror of all you have inside you” The breeze still dancing inside of every word.
The little boat could not understand …they moved slowly under the night sky. “I am tiered, I have not slept” the little boat said.
“Have the sleep you need” …Your heading will be true when you wake up the breeze responded.
The little boat heard one word, dancing like silk on the wind as she drifted off to sleep.
The little boat woke to see the night sky stretching out ahead. She could not feel the breeze.
The little boat thought of the rough sea she had crossed. She was now some where different. I had been brave. She thought to herself.
The little boat allowed her self to stop.
Trust she thought.
The breeze was no where to be felt. The little boat now able to take in the view…wondered what she could do until the breeze returned.
I will clear deck, she began tiding her lines and making sure her sails where in good order. I have time whilst I’m here. She thought. I will charge my batteries. I can use my radio to tell the world I’m out in the big ocean.
The little boat looked to the horizon. A new set of stars had appeared. They where shining brightly, precious jewels in the sky.
The little boat was transfixed. I am somewhere different I must have travelled thousands of miles. I am in a different ocean. The stars shone brighter for the little boat.
These are my friends the little boat thought. These new stars will help me set my heading!
I can follow them.
The little boats wooden heart filled with joy and love. She wasn’t alone lost at sea. She could find her way.
The little boat looked on as the stars the sparkled back.
The little boat missed the breeze. Where could the breeze have danced off to. You can go anywhere when you are a breeze. The little boat thought. How wonderful it must be.
The little boat felt a change the energy coursing thought out the water. The little boat could sea a huge wave building being her.
Oh no this will capsize me its to big, its to powerful. I will fail. She began to think.
The Ocean spoke for the first time. To the little boat.
” Intention is everything.”
The little boat had to act fast, the wave was coming …
How will I set my heading.. The little boat pushed with all her might. she had not realised her anchor had been dragging in the water it slopped over board unshackling from the little boat …
She was set free..
The momentum began to build the little boat could finally surf the big waves.
The little boat having fun playing on the glistening surface. Carving and dancing on the wave..
The little boat longed for the breeze to come and dance too.
The little boats heart was splintering what can I do she thought.
The ocean began to speak.
” The breeze will change, she is evolving each time becoming something more spectacular”.
“She will become the greatest guide you have ever seen”.
The little boat was amused, the ocean is talking to me she thought.
The little boat now feeling braver said ‘you are so big and I am so small, how can I make a difference”?
The ocean quiet for a moment letting the stars sparkle off her surface.
The little boat was dazzled .
“What difference do you want to make?”
The little boat thought for a second.
“I want to show the world what a little, rudderless, boat with broken compass can do”
Lots of other little boats had appeared whilst she had been talking with the ocean.
Each was beautiful in its own way. Sails of all different colours, magnificent carved wooden hulls. Each was unique. Each was on her own journey.
The little boat thought of the breeze. How could she transform? What would she become? What was more beautiful than a force of nature as your guide?
The little boat looked out to the horizon. The ocean stretching into the deep night.
The water beneath her became charged….energy surging and pulsing out to the ocean floor.
The little boat spoke courageously for the first time.
A magnificent green neon run way jettisoned out from beneath her running to the horizon, moving at the speed of light .
It danced through and with the ocean. Light and colour flashing everywhere.
The voice she knew was back .
The little boats tiny heart soared.
The ocean had been lit up, the stars shone their brightest. All the little boats moved with the forces around them.
The majestic powerful ocean and the beautiful luminous guide captivating the little boats as they moved as one.
The little boat thought I’m ready for an adventure.
The End x
I know you are out there …Fighting the big fight …The fight with Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Terror.
The fight with yourself. The fight with your mind. The fight with your history. The fight with your experiences.
The fight with all the shit they told you. The fight with the labels they gave you.
The fight with not knowing where you fit in the world. The fight to belong somewhere anywhere.
The fight to hide the torturous things you have endured. The fight to be seen, noticed and heard.
The fight to be respected and understood. The fight to be who you truly are.
I know you are out there.
I know you are feeling the endless exhaustion ebbing in and out of your body like the tides of the oceans.
I know you a feeling the fear in the nights and the emptiness in the days. I know you are out there.
It can be hard, so damn hard.
I know you are asking why me? Why am I being punished? Why is this happening to me?
I know you are out there.
I KNOW you are saying I want live. I want to fight for my life.
I know you are saying I survive.
I rise up.
I shine brighter than an exploding star.
I ignite my soul. I command all my strength. All my love. Every last part of me.
I am a force of nature, I am unstoppable. I am the flood, I am the sunrise. I am the beauty in stars. I am the power in the river. I am the freedom on the wind. I am incredible.
I LIVE. x