“Stop Just Stop”

Stop Just Stop !
Not the words I was expecting to hear, interestingly I thought oh here comes a bollocking Snoad style…
I can take it I’ve been chewed out before.

It wasn’t a bollocking… it’s the HARDEST thing ANYONE has ever asked me to do.

“This is going to be uncomfortable”

I can feel the visceral response in my body to knowing what that discomfort feels now.

As I sit here 

 I didn’t sleep well….

Actually that’s not completely true..
I slept but I couldn’t fall asleep until way gone midnight.

This is my Miyagi moment…

 My Jedi test…

“Stop just stop, no work, choose things for you”, 

“No multi tasking”! 

“No jumping from thought process to thought process” 

“One thing at a time”… 

I am literally squirming RIGHT NOW a tightness drawing across my chest, I have felt how resistant I am to this but I recognise a weakness when I see it…

This isnt a chink in my amour …

This is my fucking armour…

I thought I was done being in the arena this week..

Oh no…not at all..

The magnitude of what I have to do has barely sunk beneath my skin and the discomfort of it is seeping towards my soul..

But I got a glimmer …a tiny speck of what I can do … 

The magnetic force of what is possible when I go against my ultimate limitation.

I thought it was protection…I thought I need to be this way…Its in every moment of everything I do.

Its not protection…It’s a cage..

Its time to break free.

 I can do that how hard can it be…I thought with all the cockiness of the unknowing apprentice.

Ok Nicola if this is where the heart of my Jedi abilities lie, I’ll do it.
How hard can it be?


Taking A Stand For Monday

Who said Mondays have to be miserable…
Seriously who put that load of utter BS out into the world…..Its imbedded in the mindset of the nation maybe even the world.
People are literally waking up P’ed off!!!
Just because of the day of the week. No one pulls that crap on Tuesday.
I mean Friday that gets all sort of love…TGIF …songs about Friday Friday, Friday, Friday….
Monday is like the awesome kid in the class that gets overlooked for no good reason.
Yes but the weekend has finished?
We have to go back to work I hear you say……
The first thing is Monday being a SHIT day is a belief system….. and here’s the shocker …. You learnt that pile of turd from someone.
Someone gave you a belief that Mondays are less of a wonderful day of the week than any other day.
So now people all across the land are stirring from the nights sleep waking up in to a bad mood. Just because some one told them they should.
Well what if you love your job?
What if when you wake up I the morning all you want to do is SPPPRING (said in a Mary Poppins voice of course) out of bed.
What if on a Monday you wake up excited for the week ahead.
Excited …. YES …. I used that word.
Its totally possible….
NOW even I am shocked at this one. As I’m sitting here typing this I woke up excited, excited for the new week, excited for all the lifes I get to watch change, excited for Monday.
Monday you absolutely brilliant and wonderful day.
I will celebrate you.
I will take a stand.
I will no longer be told how I am supposed to feel. They are MY feelings. I choose to be grateful for Monday. To have another Monday. To embrace Monday.
From hence forth in my life Mondays will be all the M’s
Mega Magnificent Magical Monday.
Its ON Monday
Lets go and take the week by the flaps.
Have a stonking week you beautiful lot x

The Worst Meme Ever! Happy Hug a Spider Day.

The Worst Meme Ever! Happy Hug a Spider Day. I can see your faces now.
Hell No! Are you MAD? “F that Mand.” I know, that’s what I thought too.

A few days ago I met a spider. I had done my ‘meditation’ AKA Nicola says I should. I am actually getting pretty ninja at going all zen.
Feeling electric but calm, I wandered into the bathroom. Reached in turned on the shower and pulled back the curtain.
I came face to face with this eight legged beast, screaming up the side of the bath straight towards me. I went from Zen warrior princess calm to eye popping, shit your pants, fuck I’m going to die mode.
WHOOSH ….Adrenaline pumping through my body ….HELLO… Fear!
I mean the way I reacted as I pulled back that curtain. You would think I had come face to face with the Night King and the Army of the Dead.
I was the one who was frozen.I was ready to scream for help, send and up the bat signal…My trusty dyson no use in that bathroom…damn it rendered weaponless.
And then something happened ….something different.
I acknowledged my fear.
Hello you fucker what are you doing here? I was talking to the feeling in my body…It was gripping me motionless routed to the spot.
I thought ok this is a normal response …its gong to pass.
Every thing I know about fear told me this was normal.
I had shown myself compassion and said its ok. What happened next I am still some what recovering from.
I realised Pricilla was not charging at me!! Yes I named her.
She was desperately trying to save herself. Mirroring the very fear and terror I was experiencing. We were in this moment together. Me and the Spider Queen.
My inner Steve Erwin kicked into gear “come on mate, shes a beaaaut, SAVE her.”
Acting with purpose and intention that only a short sharp shot of adrenaline can give you.
I had reached for a sponge and loaded Pricilla the queen of shower scaring onto it.
Pricilla climbed aboard the spider life raft and took her recuse from the torrent of water she was trying to escape.
As brave, compassionate and courageous I was feeling even I have my chivalrous limits.
Out of the window she went ….
Hooray all hail Amanda the brave.
On reflection I recognised that Pricilla had taught me a big lesson.
Everyone and everything feels fear, from giant spider beasts to full grown wonder Mums.
Its ok.
It will pass.
Especially if Pricilla is flying on a web of string out of the bathroom window.
Amanda x

Emotional 1st Aid…Why you should use it.


Today I found myself thinking on my feet. I had to put something together. This was an actual emergency. It required a fast and appropriate response. A solution that would one hundred percent deliver what was in need.

Having received a message letting me know a meeting needed to be cancelled. The person meeting with me had been in a car accident. I had been given reassurances that everything was fine with them.

Now after I had got past my own shock, I needed to make them feel as safe as possible. I was not about to add to this persons experience any further. That was simple. A quick response saying ‘don’t for a second think about me we will catch up another time, thank goodness you are ok.’ I then received a message with further details about the days events.

I never ever take for granted my interactions with anyone. I might have taken my medic badge off years ago but my experience has taught me to always use this next step.

Assess the situation. Now I don’t know this person well, we have spoken twice. We where not face to face. I knew she had sustained zero injuries. But yet alarm bells were ringing in my head. Why?

Because I know if incidents are not processed by the subconscious mind. It can cause a living nightmare for a person quite literally. I’m getting all doom and gloomy here. And there is no need really.

As the solution is simple. My next message contained what I like to call Emotional 1st Aid. When you cut or bang yourself hard enough a pretty clear bat signal goes up that something needs to be done. Be it shove a plaster on it or get some ice. And the same is true of a reactionary moment that has seriously fired up our fight, flight or fright response (or the triple ‘F’ response). For example a pretty extreme near miss in a car. In this case it was not the drivers fault.

Experience of how we move past trauma, has taught me. Individuals must absolutely feel empowered to make decisions. That not only move them to a place of safety physically but also emotionally hours or even days later.

This is how to kick start that process.

Emotional 1st Aid has three components

Talk about the incident with someone you trust will listen to you, no judging shaming or fixing …just good solid listening.

If there is no one that can fill that sacred space for you right now. Write everything down, everything that happened, everything you felt, shock, anger, fear the lot … This is for your eyes only so go to town. Get it out and on paper. If necessary write an alternate ending one that provides your mind with a safe and helpful solution.

‘what we think we believe‘

Practice some sort of gratitude exercise later in the day to put some balance back in your day. Think of 5 things you are grateful for, write them down.

In two weeks time check in with yourself, make sure you have moved past this incident in a way that is suitable for you.

If it is still sitting with you in anyway that doesn’t fit right with you. Talk to someone you trust about it.

Remember this is Emotional 1st Aid, it is not designed to be a solution to a big enormous life event. But it would alert you to get help if you took these steps.

Ultimately I know it helps.


The First Breakthrough

I hadn’t slept I had woken up out of a torturous dream, covered in sweat. The fear rising in my chest building after what I had experienced. This one was worse a new kind of hellish, children this time. Why was this happening, I wracked my brains. Blast victims everywhere hopeless, helpless no one alive, I have to tidy it up. I was stood next to my bed trying to work out what next. ‘I’m awake I’m awake’ its not real, it felt so real. I spent the next two days confirming it wasn’t real my whole body carrying the tension of a medic on high alert. Telling myself it couldn’t be real looking for any clue in the dream to distguish it from reality. Finally I settled on the sink being in the wrong place. That evening I felt the fear closing in again. I begged my mind not to take me back. My stomach in knots so tight I couldn’t eat. The thought of sleeping now seeped in dread and terror. I prayed it would not reapeat…

I didn’t think I had PTSD. I knew I was a shadow of myself. I put it down to fatigue of being a parent. Sleepless nights and running around after energy abundant small children. Everyone has dreams like that if they’ve been to places like that right? It wasn’t until I found myself participating in a training course. I realised I was not only living with PTSD. I was in a full blown fight with myself and I wasn’t winning. I was hardly surviving. I never thought I would be free of the dreams and nightmares that plagued my mind when ever I became stressed. The faces, I would see from my time in Afghanistan. I had accepted that this was how it was. When my children started to appear in those dreams I plummeted to a whole new level of fear. Something had to change. I still didn’t recognise it as PTSD. So many others had been through so much more, worse tours, pain, injury. How could I have PTSD? Not only did I have it. I had it in all its brutality. To add fuel to a well stoked fire I was battling the shame of being a child of someone who had committed suicide. Not someone, my mum. From the moment I took the phone call my world had been forcefully and painfully torn apart. I never thought I could get over that. The darkness that accompanied it all the not knowing, the pain the triggers more and more of the same but different the anxiety the fear….

 And then 6 years after returning home, six years of being lost..
I discovered this beautiful, gentle process.
The moment when change fluttered in like a feather on a breeze. This was not mindfulness, this was not coaching, this was not meditation. This was none of that. This was action. This was the last time when I spoke any of those words thought any of those thoughts I would ever feel like that again. I was about to change in a way I could not believe, let alone imagine. The moment I experienced it for myself the effect was profound. I had no idea that signing up to become a Cellular Release Therapy practitioner. That participating in the training course would alter my life beyond belief. I couldn’t suppress the undeniable power of the subconscious mind. It was pushing forward the very things I had wanted to keep hidden from the world. It was plain as day, the heightened alertness, the inability to sleep. Avoidance of even my closet friends. The removal of colour from my life everything became grey. The constant feelings of criticism, judgement and fear. The pushing away of the things I loved to do. The self doubt and the withdrawal from wanting to work with people. I had no energy for it. Exhausted inside and out. Caffeine and sugar had become some sort of lifeline. I had hated who I had become I had hated myself. The one piece of myself I had managed to hold onto was the part that took care of and loved my children and my husband. That was the only thing keeping me grounded. Inside I was beating myself up for not being a better parent, mother, wife, practitioner. Shattering myself into a million pieces. My mind was its own prison and my body reflected that. The resilience I had come to rely on in my youth was no where to be seen. The optimism and hopefulness that drove me day after day was lost. I was lost. Everything was about to change, out of no where a sliver of hope. I was sitting on the precipice change or don’t change it was now or never. I grabbed my chance with both hands I was not letting go. I knew this was change the rumble was on and I was ready. Every fibre in my body knew it too. I got a sniff of the powerful, intelligent, funny, loving girl I had once been. I wasn’t lost just misplaced in the very depths of my mind. I couldn’t have known that when I started locking down all the hurt, pain and vulnerability all the feelings that terrified me. That I would lock away the parts of myself that loved life, living and laughing. I would lock away the girl that could take on anything and come out smiling. The minute I began learning from Anne Drucker the minute I began diving into those beautiful transformative sessions. The possibility of a breakthrough was not only real it was limitless. Session after session I dismantled crushed and set myself free from those feelings, beliefs habits and pattens. Every part of me unshackled. I grew beyond measure I found I had more to offer myself than I could have ever imagined. I journeyed to the very limits of my own personal spaces. I walked through my own personal hell I kept going. Once I came out the other side I was greeted with my own brilliance, grace and inner power. I could feel the force of nature I have always been, the wild, care free girl with an unstoppable force and energy. I had been awoken, set free. By the time I had returned home I knew I had to establish a place where others could come to. Where others could reach out to and access the keys to regaining their lives back. This had become about so much more than me.The Breakthrough project was born and is here to stay. 
I now know I will never have to live or feel the way I did ever again.
I am changed.
The possibility for change is real. If I can do it anyone can.
Never let go of hope.
Hold on pain ends.